In the last article we stressed on the importance of being surrounded by those who enrich your relationship with the Lord and provide you with a healthy atmosphere. This includes your service and social activities. We also mentioned the affect of being in such environments on the possibility of creating healthy friendships and a possible marriage built on Christian principles and wise choices.

            In this article we will touch on few matters, and recommendations that may help reducing some of the possible obstacles in the journey of choosing your mate.

            As a Christian you are held to a certain standard in order to create and maintain a Godly family. There are also quite few areas that play roles in this process. Every family has its own culture, traditions, and habits that are different from others’. This can have a great affect on how the personality is developed and the kind of choices you makes. There are different types of pressure you may face if you are first, second or even third immigrant’s generation carrying elements of your origin background from your parents or by living there yourself. In addition, the influence of the current environment where you live on viewing life in general and the decisions you make.  This can manifest itself in many ways such as whether or not you choose a partner from the same country of origin, same culture, and in some cases same religion.

Here are few matters and recommendations you may consider as you’re building your relationship:

(1) Give yourself a chance to know the other’s personality and the issues that may arise after first phase of the relationship (oceanic love) when your thoughts, feelings, actions are only revolved around enjoying the other person and making him/her happy. In some cases hidden character’s issues are masked in the beginning in order to maintain the relationship not realizing that all aspects of the personality will eventually be reveled.

(2) There are major issues many couples avoid addressing until they are forced to. These issues may include:

• Finances which are one of the least desirable subjects a couple would like to bring up. Statistics shows that arguments, separation and divorce due to financial issues are on the rise. It is highly recommended that you and your future partner discuss income, spending habits and budgeting, assets, how each person views the financial future and planning for it and be able create a system that may work for both of you.
• Religion or denomination, it is essential if the two are coming from different beliefs to discuss the matter very early in the relationship. There are three possibilities when the two are coming from different religion or denomination: 1-Both agree to have a civil marriage and each keep their faith. This results in several problems; most of all is the religion foundation in the marriage followed by which faith, traditions and place of worship...etc. will the children pursue. 2- One might convert only because he/she wants to marry this particular person and the result is similar to the civil marriage option. 3-The person who decides to convert is doing so based on honest belief.

(3) Observe how you and the other person communicate together. Communication is a key element in every relationship, particularly if you are going towards marriage direction. Healthy and effective communication skills can be learned if the couple is willing to.

(4) Expose the relationship to various situations and environments that include other people than the two of you such as family and friends. This will help you know how the other person is able to communicate, form and maintain different relationships.

(5) Try to avoid physical contact before marriage. Breaking the physical boundaries before marriage will lead to sexual stimulation. This can cause either frustration or gradual proceeding with full intimacy outside the marriage. "You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

(6) Follow the relationships guide (the Bible).

(7) Pray that the Lord open your eyes and heart to clearly see His guidance in the relationship.

            Often times parents relocate to a different community thinking that it will be for the best interest of the children. Moving to a new community causes a great deal of stress to children, and adolescents. Several studies showed that the children who change communities are likely to become depressed with possible suicidal thoughts and attempts.

            In the United States, minorities groups have at least one generation of children who immigrated with their parents. Immigration is more difficult on children psyche (depending on the age of the child) than changing communities within the city or the country.

There are many issues arise as a result of changing communities:

(1) Children:

• Children experience loss when they leave behind their friends, neighbors, and relatives which interprets to the feeling of insecurity and instability.  

• The struggle to make sense of the change especially if the parents did not prepare them for the move.
• School problems such as grades decline, difficulty following the new school system, the new curriculum and language.
• The challenge children face in the effort to fit in, make friends, and build a new society. 
  

(2) Parents:

• In the midst of parents working hard to provide children with a comfortable life, they may forget or don’t have the time to give the children the essential needs for their healthy growth. Those needs are the time, the attention, the effort to bond, to teach, to be the role model, to be their safe place, and to welcome every stage of their development.
• While the parents try to continue preserving the values, traditions and principles of their original culture and religion, the children find themselves becoming accustomed to the new culture. According to Merriam Webster Dictionary, the definition of acculturation is (cultural modification of an individual, group, or people by adapting to or borrowing traits from another culture). The speed whereby the parents and the children acculturate is different. The children (depending on the age of moving to the new society) acculturate faster than their parents. This results into a struggle between the two generations. 
  

(3) Recommendations:

• As it’s mentioned above that relocation might cause the children to become depressed. .Signs of depression are not only isolation and crying as most of us think. Depression can manifest itself in different ways and can be masked in forms of irritability, anger and vocal outbursts, change of appetite, change of sleep pattern, fatigue, difficulty focusing, stomachaches or headaches, feeling guilty and worthless, and suicidal thoughts and attempts. If the child shows signs of depression , the parents need to act upon it by seeking professional help such as seeing a psychiatrist for an evaluation.
• Designate weekly family time where the parents and the children spend time together. That does not necessarily have to be a whole day but could be a few hours to allow the family to draw near to one another, give a chance to the parents to be aware of the children changes and to reduce the gap between the two generations.
• Encourage the children to have a spiritual leader to guide them through the changes and the challenges that might turn them away from God. The spiritual leader could be someone else beside their father of confession such as a Sunday School teacher.
• In conclusion, as hard as the transition from one culture to another may be, it can be rewarding for the whole family members. With the parents being tuned to the children’s needs, providing them with stability, supporting their proper steps and encouraging them to grow spiritually, the children can become successful individuals. Their positive experience will help them to contribute in advancing the society they live in and be role models to generations to come. 
  

            Many of the youths who are raised on Christian principles receive mixed messages about dating. When a young Christian child grows up to hear and learn in the church that dating is wrong and then goes out to the society to find that dating is “cool”, he/she feels confused.  This confusion brings up several questions and may lead to taking an unhealthy direction.  

            Some Christians, who are single, and refuse dating because they are not ready for commitment, feel lonely and see that others perceive them as “weird people”. Other Christians think that Christianity is “strict, does not have what it takes to cope with the relationships change, is unfair, and unrealistic”.

            Most of us want to be considered “normal” in the eyes of friends, peers, and work acquaintances. Currently, the majority of people see dating as a normal process to “explore” with the other person, with or without the intention to make a commitment.

            What is the meaning of dating? It’s a kind of a courtship in which two people engage in social activities in order to evaluate the possibility of becoming partners including practicing intimacy.

            Human beings are designed to have different kinds of relationships. Extensive literature and research in neuroscience stress on the importance of relationships experiences on the brain development throughout the life cycle.

            In Christianity, the relationships guide is the Bible. There, we find elaborative description of how each relationship should be. Examples are God the Father- God the Son, husband-wife, parents-children and friendship.

Let’s look at the definition of friendship as stated in the relationship guide (the Bible).

“A friend loves at all times.” - Proverbs 17:17

“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion”. - Ecclesiastes 4:9-10.

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends”. - John 15: 12-13.  

            Even though the Bible does not mention dating, the verses above and others which speak about friendship sound close to the definition of dating with one missing element which is intimacy.  Intimacy is added when the couple commits in the marriage relationship that is also described in the Bible.

What can you do as a Christian who wants to follow the guide (the Bible) if you’re not ready for commitment?
(1) Take the chance of being single, and work on enhancing your relationship with God.
(2) Make efforts to look at the positive side of your life, thank God for it, and enjoy it.
(3) Surround yourself with a healthy environment to limit the temptations, and the pressure caused by the worldly norms.
(4) Engage in Christian social activities. This will give you the chance to know others, and be friends with them through serving God.

            If you find yourself ready for commitment and you would like to approach someone, try to know his/her values, principles, and faith. When you do so you give your brain the opportunity to reduce emotional - driven decisions and increase logical thinking. You’ll be able to see clearly and make wise choices.

            In conclusion; do your best to follow the relationships guide (the Bible), and put your trust in God. He will give you according to His grace and IN HIS TIME.